The Quotes

Brought to us from Matthew:

"Have you seen those new AT&T phones? The future is here, dude."
- Kellen

"This is a freakin' legit steak."
- (One of) Whitney's legendary blind date

"I was doing some self-loathing last night, so I was pretty occupied."
- Easton

"That money belongs to me - it's The Secret, Matt!"
- Shannon

"No, I've got the perfect plan. We sabotage the Writing Canter. We'll start turning people away, then our stats go down. Then we lose funding. So we sue UVSC for damages and claim that the College Times was responsible for our stats dropping. It's flawless."
- Shannon

"I'm going to go to Club Rush ... see what speaks to me."
- Whitney

"The most important thing to do is to make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror."
- Sam

"This is for all you ... closet Disco Lovers out there."
- Juliette Lewis

"Do I believe in karma?"
*throws head back "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ... no."
-Matthew and Julie, respectively

"Scott, don't joke about my grandma being cremated. Ever!"
- Whitney

"Happy Birthday my ass! You just asked me to speak at your funeral!"
- Whitney

"Eminem? Is he the white dude with street cred?"
- Easton

"When a young man was afriad he might be homosexual, he went and told his bishop, and he sent him to BYU, where they performed electro-shock therapy on him."
"...Worked for me!"
- Matthew and Brandon, respectively

"My heart is comitting suicide in my chest."
- Kellen

"How are you, Sylvia?"
"I'm doing well, Matthew."
"Haha, I'm so glad you said 'well' instead of 'good'."
"Oh, Matthew. I would not do that. I do not speak that common tongue."
- Matthew and Sylvia...respectively

"Did you guys know that Bryers owns Ben and Jerry's? Bryers? Like...the really not-so-good crappy ice cream?"
- Chandler

"Ah, so I see you're studying Japanese. You know, Matthew, the Japanese kept my grandfather as a prisoner of war. And they tortured him. Did you know that?"
- Easton

"I hate X-Men 3 for one reason. Halley Berry told everybody she didn't want to come back unless she got a leading role, since she won an Oscar for having sex with Billy Bob Thorton on screen."
- Andrew

"I'm just going to....shut up now. I'm gonna go home and cry. Wait. First I'll go to class, then I'll go home and cry. Wait, no. First, I'll go to class. Then I'll eat. Then I'll go home. And...forget about it."
- Chandler

"You will be late? Matthew, are you sick? Are you ill? Should we have the writing tutors fast and pray for you?"
- Ksenyia

"Why can't blondes breast-feed? Because it hurts too much to sanitize their nipples."
"...I don't get it."
- Heidi and Susan

"You get up, and you go take that tutorial!"
"I am! Why do you have to pick on me, Rose?"
"Why? Why? Because you're black, that's why!"
- Rose and Matthew

"Are you feeling okay, Laura?"
"Yeah, I'm just tired."
"Well, here - read this. [Matthew hands Laura "Don't Think, Obey" and walks away for a moment. Upon returning, Laura's mouth and eyes are popped wide open.] Uh...what's up?"
*gasp "Well, I'm awake now!"

"Well, I can understand people who love books and want to share them with others."
"Right. Unless it's Oprah."
- Matthew and Heidi

"You know, my sister isn't married, and she's getting old. That kinda frustrates me. I really want to be an aunt!"
- Susan

"I'm so tired. I don't even know if I can make it to bed. I'll just fall down the stairs like that girl in Notting Hill and be in a wheelchair, and find out that for the rest of my life I can't have children, cuz I didn't try before the accident. That's how tired I am."
- Julie